Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Envious and Pitying

I just saw this anorexic girl on campus in the coffe shop. Her face was all sunken in and her jeans were tiny and baggy, reminding me of how my size one jeans used to just hang off my hips. I watched her get a sald out of the cooler and get in line. Then she had a moment of hesitation, got out of line, stared at the cooler and then went back to the end of the line with the same salad. Then, about thrity seconds later, she went back to the cooler, put the salad back and left. About 10 minutes later, the girl was back. She was in line again for about 20 seconds, then she left again. I felt like i was watching a sporting event. In my head I was cheering, "eat the salad, eat the salad!" The girl was obviously hungry and she probably wouldn't have put any dressing on it anyway.
As I watched this girl today, I felt like I knew everything that was going on in her head. Her hunger and resulting cravings were in a heated battle with her distorted issues with food and control and weight.
Since i quit drinking and smoking weed a couple months ago, my eating disorders have begun to resurface. Reading all the pro-ana websites was definitely a trigger, but as my counselor tells me, I believe I am substituting one addiction for another. Chemical dependency and eating disorders are both very obsessive compulsive behaviors. Some part of me craves e.d. behaviors like i crave drugs. Something needs to be fucked up about my head. Its like my brain inherently resents normal behavior. Sometimes i really wish i could starve myself again, and i have no good reason why. I think a lot of it is the desire for self-mutilation. The desire to be thin and in control of my body has been making me throw up pretty frequently recently everytime I eat any amount of food that ends up making me feel uncomfortable. When I get sick of dealing with all this eating disorder behavior, I just really want to smoke weed. It is the only thing that ever made me stop caring so much about ED thoughts. Fuck this! Fuck this! I find it impossible to starve myself, because food is kind of like a drug to me now, too. It's like something to look forward to. Fuck!

43 Comments:

Blogger Sarah said...

I can really relate to you in some of these posts. I know that I need to gain weight and I know that being only 94 lbs is not fat but I look at myself and see fat. I have just recently been discharged from an EDU in the next city over from me and currently am following a meal plan that I hate. I gained 3 lbs and am freaking out and hate myself. Anorexia for me has become a good thing and a way to punish myself. I seem to relate to you in some aspects and not in others but I like reading your posts.

February 22, 2005 at 8:17 AM  
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August 20, 2005 at 11:10 PM  
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January 23, 2006 at 3:20 PM  
Blogger An Anonymous Addict said...

i know exactly what you mean about substituting one addiction for another. my therapist tells me the same thing. The more i get away from my sexual addiction, the more compulsive my eating becomes. And that makes me feel worse about myself.

Anyways, i stumbled upon your blog and wanted you to know that i can empathize.

March 22, 2006 at 4:14 PM  
Blogger imscout2000 said...

i stummbled onto this blog after cruising some pro-ana sites...

i am so glad i landed here...

i have been recovering from an ED for a year and doing sooo well...

but 'suddenly' i have had some pretty big stressors in my life and 'suddenly' i saw a news story on the dangers of pro-ana sites...

and 'suddenly' i got a little too cur. on checking out if they had changed much in the past year... and 'suddenly' i got caught up in reading them a little TOO closely...and 'suddenly' all the tips started to sound TOO good...

...so i stopped... and ended up here... and i am soooo glad... and feeling better grounded to end this thing before it even begins again....
thanks...
~scout~

March 29, 2006 at 3:47 PM  
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May 7, 2006 at 4:19 PM  
Blogger sam45 said...

sorry that you have all suffered so bad should take the time to think of how well you have done i look at pictures of some of the thinnest pictures and it turns my tummy nobody is perfect lets all remember that everyone is beatiful in their own right i am not alone in this.

September 14, 2006 at 3:08 PM  
Blogger sam45 said...

sorry that you have all suffered so bad should take the time to think of how well you have done i look at pictures of some of the thinnest pictures and it turns my tummy nobody is perfect lets all remember that everyone is beatiful in their own right i am not alone in this.

September 14, 2006 at 3:08 PM  
Blogger Irish-Kirsty said...

There is a girl like that on my campus. I watch her like she was the only other person on this earth besides myself. In a way I am so jelous that she is in control of her ana and her food intake, but at the same time I know that she is slowely killing herself. Its a daily battle!

September 10, 2007 at 7:56 PM  
Blogger Sweetmamagirl said...

I'm heavy weed smoker for 10 years

Recently stumbled upon Ana shortly before the death of my Father (Bad sick for years) and the stress of just getting by, not having money to eat helped.


What sucks is how many compliments I've gotten since I got too poor to eat (I'd rather have my Weed since it always comes down to a choice)

Send you my thoughts..

October 16, 2007 at 9:18 PM  
Blogger Sweetmamagirl said...

I don't replace one addiction for another, i put them in a room together and have an orgy with them!

October 16, 2007 at 9:20 PM  
Blogger ANAlogic said...

I really know what you mean.
I myself am a recovered anorexic and have been the poor girl dying of hunger but too frightned of eating a salad...I really feel for her, whoever she is.

This is an excellent blog, and congrats for having recovered!
Keep up the good work.
xxx

June 3, 2008 at 6:30 AM  
Blogger Mike Hunt said...

http://biggerfatterblog.blogspot.com/

Maybe if some of you read my blog you will feel better about yourselves.

September 18, 2008 at 10:03 PM  
Blogger Ana addict said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

October 18, 2008 at 9:07 PM  
Blogger Ana addict said...

hi, i have ana and i know enough about it to know that you never FULLY recover. It seems like a 100 years ago-before ana entered my life. In reality it has only been 3. I just wanted you to know HOW much that blog helped me tonight. keep posting!

October 18, 2008 at 9:09 PM  
Blogger Ana addict said...

hi, i have ana and i know enough about it to know that you never FULLY recover. It seems like a 100 years ago-before ana entered my life. In reality it has only been 3. I just wanted you to know HOW much that blog helped me tonight. keep posting!

October 18, 2008 at 9:09 PM  
Blogger Ana addict said...

hi, i have ana and i know enough about it to know that you never FULLY recover. It seems like a 100 years ago-before ana entered my life. In reality it has only been 3. I just wanted you to know HOW much that blog helped me tonight. keep posting!

October 18, 2008 at 9:10 PM  
Blogger Ana addict said...

hi, i have ana and i know enough about it to know that you never FULLY recover. It seems like a 100 years ago-before ana entered my life. In reality it has only been 3. I just wanted you to know HOW much that blog helped me tonight. keep posting!

October 18, 2008 at 9:11 PM  
Blogger warmfuzzies said...

Just came across your blog. I know just where you are coming from. I was ana too before I ahd kids. then after my 2nd was born I went ana again and was almost hospitalized so I had to eat again. Boy did that mess me up. My body wanted the weight because I just had a baby and then eating after ana just made me blow up and depressed me. I was on the right track with WW a few months ago and losing weight with that and the Gym but I found out I was expecting again. My baby is due in 3 months and so I am a little obsessed with my weight again but I need to focus on my baby and keeping him healthy. Thanks for this blog.

Hey I have a contest in my cupcakes and arbonne blog. Check it out if you can. :)

April 7, 2009 at 8:37 PM  
Blogger Jessica Gerling said...

I just came across your blog and fell in love with it : )
Kinda bummed you havn't updated in months.
Keep writing!!!

May 8, 2009 at 7:30 AM  
Blogger cmo said...

LOVE YOUR BLOG! I AM LOOKING FOR A BUDDY TO TALK TO ABOUT HIS STUFF ANY IDEAS ON WHERE TO POST FOR HELP. BUDDY MUST BE 21 YEARS OLD (I AM 26 AND CANNOT PARTICIPATE IN A 13 YEAR OLDS ROAD DOWN HELL).

I WENT TO RECOVERY AND I AM NOW A LOT BIGGER THAN I WAS (I WAS 88 POUNDS BEFORE LAST SUMMER). PLEASE IF YOU KNOW OF ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO BE MY 'BUDDY' OR ANY SITED I CAN CONNECT WITH LET ME KNOW!

May 26, 2009 at 7:25 PM  
Blogger creatrix. said...

Hello.
I am new to blogger.
I was very intrigued by your posts.
I am also a recoveree, most recently of bulimia, and an artist who basis a large portion of work dealing with my personal ED demons and reaching to others. Many times i use pro-ana sites to inspire art and still have that urge to go back.

I wish you much luck with your inner turmoil, may you find peace with it.

July 5, 2009 at 3:38 PM  
Blogger Fat Bastard said...

There is one thing more pathetic than an anorexic chick who can't help herself and that is a fat girl who can but won't.

July 5, 2009 at 7:20 PM  
Blogger ♥nervosa♥ said...

That's so good that you stopped smoking though! My Grandma's having complications right now from smoking and it's the scariest thing to watch someone go through :( Please take care of yourself <3

Ok well, this is my new blog if you want to check it out-
http://eatingdisorderdepictions.blogspot.com/
It's basically my way of spreading the idea of using creative therapy to treat ED's. If you check it out- thank you! and kif you like it- follow it :P

-Becky

November 5, 2009 at 9:42 AM  
Blogger Char Vicki said...

"Substituting one addiction for another" . . . This struck a chord with me. I've been told I'm doing the same.

Your blogs are great, keep posting xoxo

November 6, 2009 at 1:56 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Happy Holidays! My name is Lisa Hope and I am the assistant editor of Disorder.org. I am contacting you today in hopes of developing a strategic partnership with your website; we have seen your site and think your content is great. Disorder.org is an online gateway for people to find information regarding disorder diagnosis, symptoms, and treatment -- and is continually adding content. More specifically, Disorder.org is starting a campaign to promote awareness about eating disorders of all types. If you're interested in a partnership, please contact me at lisa.disorder.org@gmail.com.

December 23, 2009 at 11:25 AM  
Blogger Fat Bastard said...

We have also seen your blog and as the defecto leader of the NEW fat acceptance movement we would appreciate hearing your thought on the New fat acceptance movement and our stance on gluttony.

January 12, 2010 at 7:33 PM  
Blogger pinkypromise said...

i know exactly how you feel, but i always binge when i smoke weed. i feel you ed sister!

January 25, 2010 at 4:01 PM  
Blogger DreamereMoon said...

I know exactly how you feel. First I had my eating disorder and then I started smoking weed and drinking but then I started eating foods I wouldn't normally eat so I became bulimic and dropped thirty pounds then I didn't smoke as much and got depressed and just ate whatever i wanted to. Now i haven't smoked in a couple weeks and I'm back to starving myself and bulimia if I eat something. Good luck. I hope you stay strong with whatever you are doing now. :)

July 6, 2010 at 8:36 PM  
Blogger BellaAna said...

im completely addicted to your blogs.
i can really relate in a lot of these posts - i was searching for some pro ana sites and im so glad i found this!
its really inspirational

so thank you :)

July 22, 2010 at 3:26 PM  
Blogger Tiny said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

September 18, 2010 at 5:36 AM  
Blogger Tiny said...

Thank you for your blog. I am very glad to visit it. Now I'll be your regular reader. you write a lot of useful and interesting information. Can visit and my blog.
http://anorexicheroinchic.blogspot.com/
It's about people with eating disorders. I mention in my blog about how to be healthy and beautiful.

September 18, 2010 at 5:38 AM  
Blogger alex said...

i feel like i wrote your blog.. it was as though you were reading my own thoughts. i suppose everyone has the same problems.

October 6, 2010 at 5:43 PM  
Blogger lydf said...

I want to start by saying your blogs are amazing, inspiring.

I got a question asked on formspring saying 'What was your happiest moment this year?'
In all honesty, the best day of my year was by far the time when i realised i was 2 stone and a half lighter than i had been 6months earlier. Its the only time i've cried in happiness. This didn't last long however and i soon realised i still felt fat at my lowest weight. I found myself giving up and soon became bulemic instead of anerexic. I chose the stupid route to skinniness. Its a path for failures, that can't even do it properly. Its ugly and piggish. Bulemia ruins the whole idea of beauty which anorexia can help you too. I really hope that i soon get back on track to my old self and can be happier than i am now. Any tips?

June 12, 2011 at 3:34 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

http://proanaforlyf3.blogspot.com/

August 8, 2011 at 7:36 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

August 8, 2011 at 7:36 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

http://proanaforlyf3.blogspot.com

August 8, 2011 at 7:38 PM  
Blogger Nichole said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

August 17, 2011 at 1:26 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I can totally relate to your story. I have been in drug and ed recovery for years. I have recently had some things happen in my life that I have lost control over. The need to gain control has my ed coming into full swing. I feel the ed coming back but I love food. The battle has begun.

December 10, 2011 at 11:09 AM  
Blogger ChestnutBunny127 said...

Hi Ana. Don't know if you will get this but just want to let you know I used one of your posts on my blog. But, I told them where I got it. So if your worried about anything check my blog.

http://mypersonalroadtorestart.blogspot.com/

February 9, 2012 at 8:01 PM  
Blogger Jess said...

Know what you mean sorta. I quit pot, I go ana. All the thoughts and behaviors resurface. I start toking up again? Everything quiets, everything calms. No anger, sleepy ana. Peace. Until my tolerance returns at least.

May 20, 2012 at 12:12 AM  
Blogger Luana said...

http://my-atypical-anorexia.blogspot.de/2012/05/653-schei-knackebrot.html

look at my blog, please ... You can also translate it directly on the page....

I lost almost 18 kilos with ana ♥ since february
if we subscribe each other it would be gread ♥

http://my-atypical-anorexia.blogspot.de/2012/05/653-schei-knackebrot.html

May 30, 2012 at 5:45 AM  

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