Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Envious and Pitying

I just saw this anorexic girl on campus in the coffe shop. Her face was all sunken in and her jeans were tiny and baggy, reminding me of how my size one jeans used to just hang off my hips. I watched her get a sald out of the cooler and get in line. Then she had a moment of hesitation, got out of line, stared at the cooler and then went back to the end of the line with the same salad. Then, about thrity seconds later, she went back to the cooler, put the salad back and left. About 10 minutes later, the girl was back. She was in line again for about 20 seconds, then she left again. I felt like i was watching a sporting event. In my head I was cheering, "eat the salad, eat the salad!" The girl was obviously hungry and she probably wouldn't have put any dressing on it anyway.
As I watched this girl today, I felt like I knew everything that was going on in her head. Her hunger and resulting cravings were in a heated battle with her distorted issues with food and control and weight.
Since i quit drinking and smoking weed a couple months ago, my eating disorders have begun to resurface. Reading all the pro-ana websites was definitely a trigger, but as my counselor tells me, I believe I am substituting one addiction for another. Chemical dependency and eating disorders are both very obsessive compulsive behaviors. Some part of me craves e.d. behaviors like i crave drugs. Something needs to be fucked up about my head. Its like my brain inherently resents normal behavior. Sometimes i really wish i could starve myself again, and i have no good reason why. I think a lot of it is the desire for self-mutilation. The desire to be thin and in control of my body has been making me throw up pretty frequently recently everytime I eat any amount of food that ends up making me feel uncomfortable. When I get sick of dealing with all this eating disorder behavior, I just really want to smoke weed. It is the only thing that ever made me stop caring so much about ED thoughts. Fuck this! Fuck this! I find it impossible to starve myself, because food is kind of like a drug to me now, too. It's like something to look forward to. Fuck!