Tuesday, December 07, 2004

94 lbs. and Still Obese

I ran into a blog by an anorexic girl at www.livejournal.com/community/0_ana_only_0/. Live journal actually host a lot of pro-ana blogs. This girl is complaining about how she weighs 94 pounds and she's fat.
Sometimes I think I wasn't very good at being anorexic, not that I think that's a bad thing, but I really believe my denial mojo wasn't working. For me, it started out being about being fat, but as I became skinnier and skinnier, it turned into more of a self-mutilation thing. I never looked in the mirror and saw a fat girl when I was down to 90 lbs. I saw the same emaciated girl that everyone else saw. I knew that if I ate more I would be healthier, but I didn't want to be healthier. I saw my mutilated body as an expression of how much I hated myself. It was somehow satisfying to look like shit.
I never weighed myself when I was starving myself. One day, my Dad picked me up and he was like, "Holy shit, Lauren, I bet you only weigh like 85 pounds!" I did not think there was any way I could weigh less than 105 or so, but I weighed myself and the scale said 91. My parents were terrified and I was so ecstatic! I felt so accomplished. I remember looking in the mirror, knowing I was emaciated, being so hungry and then being terrified that if I ate more than 400 calories in a day I would suddenly turn into an obese monster.
Wow, so many things I thought were contradictory. When I think back on it, anorexia has to be one of the most complicated of human conditions. I still don't really get it.

5 Comments:

Blogger Sweetmamagirl said...

WOW! You are fucking awesome!! I love you! You tell it like how I feel, only I'm kinda new at this hating it at the same time OLVE being smaller than I have ever been in my ENTIRE life!! But don't worry, I'm like 200 pounds, (was 300 last year and 250-270 my entire adult life) like i said, I'm new..

October 16, 2007 at 9:25 PM  
Blogger Sweetmamagirl said...

"LOVE"

October 16, 2007 at 9:25 PM  
Blogger Fat Bastard said...

Sounds like she was showing some restraint.

July 23, 2009 at 7:30 PM  
Blogger Leech said...

My gosh, you make so much sense. That wonderful feeling when you sit back in a chair and feel your spine touch the chair first...Simply bittersweet. ^.^

October 2, 2009 at 11:29 AM  
Blogger Tiny said...

I really like your blog and what you write. Your blog It's really great find for me! Thank's!

September 18, 2010 at 5:58 AM  

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